Doors

Warning: Foul Language is used throughout this story

Fuck doors. No, not the band, but the actual wooden or metal “fixtures” that we use to go from room to room. I know what you're thinking. ‘Doors? What the hell did doors do to you?’ And it would ordinarily be a solid question, but not for me because doors have ruined my entire life. 

I used to be like you. Going through doors, or should I say thresholds, like they were just there to keep the AC in and the robbers out, but I'll let you in on a little secret. All doors are actually portals to other worlds with different rules, different people, and different times. You, and everyone else apparently, have a very minuscule change in your reality when passing through a door. Maybe some guy's name on the other side of the planet, something that you would never notice, changes, but you do go to a whole other universe. Doors and I have a much more, shall we say, tumultuous understanding. What I mean to say is, when I go through a door, I am brought to vastly different Earths with wildly altered rules every damn time. 

Before I go any further, all I want to say is that you guys are fucking lucky. Do you know how many worlds are just atomic dystopias with hardly anything living? It's about 50% (It's difficult to keep track when statistics don't go with you everywhere). This also reminds me, of the cloud! This is spectacular. Your world isn't the best I've been to, but being able to sit here and write on a computer in a random house. Amazing. Reminds me of my own world. 

So let's get to the copper tax here and tell you how I ended up in this predicament. You see, in my world, my first one I mean, I didn't go to crazy dinosaur or marshmallow catastrophe dimensions (No, I don't want to talk about it) whenever I passed a threshold. I just went to the next closest dimensions just like you. But then, everything changed. 

No, I wasn't some scientist, or black hole enthusiast. I was just a normal guy with a normal job as a landscaper. One day I stupidly put my hand too close to a mower blade and lost 3 and a half fingers. This isn't uncommon per se, but what was uncommon with my injury was that all three and a half of my fingers simultaneously flew through 4 different doors. This somehow screwed up the universe door portal mumbo jumbo mentioned earlier because when the paramedics came to haul my ass to the E.R. and brought me toward the threshold of the ambulance doors. I went from a nice kind EMS to a death race van. 

I was a little confused on the first several jumps and simply assumed I was going crazy, so I spent the next year and a half (I think) jumping from Earth to Earth. No, I don't know why I always get brought to another Earth and not thrown out to space. Gardener remember? Not Physicist. 

So I figured I'd spend some time telling this random void my craziest of stories so that you can truly appreciate how wonderful it is to be here before the people who I assume own this place kick me out of this wonderful room and I am shot to God knows where. 

Part 1: What is a door? 

            So what is a door? According to my "google" search (stupid name by the way) you guys don't really know what a door is and are much more concerned if the world has more of them than wheels. Well, I am here to inform you of that the answer is definitely doors.